Empty Shell
by ilfreitas
Summary: When Sirius fell through the veil he didn't die alone. Remus never again felt his heartbeat and became an empty shell. SiriusxRemus, one-sided TonksxRemus One-shot


**Disclaimer:****Remus married Tonks in the books. So obviously the books are not mine.**

AN: EDITED. The Tonks thing was really a weight on my conscious, so I finally changed that to what I really think it happened.

_Come back, from beyond the veil.  
Stopping Harry when all I truly want to do is wail.  
Oh, Sirius, how could you leave us?  
Oh, Sirius, it was never enough._

Beyond the veil, The Remus Lupins

**Empty Shell**

When Sirius died, the Marauders died with him.

Peter was the first one to go. A true Marauder doesn't betray his friends, Peter lost his rights when he told Voldemort where the Potters were.

Then it was James. Killed while protecting his family.

And the last two Marauders died at the same time.

Remus could swear that his heart stopped beating when Sirius laugh froze as he fell through the veil.

When he grabbed Harry there was nothing more he wanted to do that yell Sirius to come back too, to stop playing around, they were not kids anymore and he was starting to get scared.

He pleaded him in silence to come back while he hold Harry, always looking at the veil hoping that Sirius would appear in some dramatic way and say '_Have no fear, Sirius is here!_' or something silly like he always did. Then Remus would smack him on the head, yelling that he couldn't joke around like that, that this was serious, and he would take the chance to do that cocky smile of his and say '_I know, aren't I always, Moony?'_.

Then Remus would laugh at the old pun and relief, and then Sirius would kiss him and everything would be alright.

But Sirius didn't do any dramatic entrance. He didn't come back.

Remus stopped himself from letting Harry and run through the veil, either to get Sirius back or to stay there with him.

Remus never felt or heard his own heart beat again. He couldn't. He gave Sirius his heart, so it had fallen with him through the veil.

From that moment Remus became empty. Like he had been given the Dementor's kiss.

He only wandered around, trying to do what Sirius had died for.

Protect Harry.

End the war.

Make the world a better place.

He lived on the past, where once he had been happy. He couldn't help but to remember and think of what ifs and wishes. He couldn't move on.

Remus went to Dumbledore and volunteered to go as a spy to werewolves and try to make them change their sides. He hadn't done it before because of Sirius's endless insistences.

'_M_o_ony, you're not going to do that work again? Last time you couldn't handle it...'_ _Sirius drew circles on Remus hand with his thumb 'You can't go.'_

'_Why not, Pads? There's nothing much I can do and we both want to end this war and be free. This can help. I don't really want to go, you know that, don't you think I prefer to stay with you?'_

'_Then stay.' Sirius kissed him._

'_I'm the only werewolf Dumbledore knows. And he needs a spy.' Remus mumbled._

'_We can win this war without making you be so close to Greyback. We both know that you'll most likely get killed. Please don't go, Remus.'_

'_Sirius...'_

'_Don't leave me, Moony. It's too dangerous.'_

'_Alright, Pads. But if Dumbledore asks...'_

'_He can go to hell or do it himself, if he wants the werewolves that much.'_

'_Fine.' Remus smiled 'I won't go.'_

'_Promise?' Sirius made puppy eyes 'Pinkie promise?'_

'_How about sealing it with a kiss?'_

'_Done.' Sirius jumped on top of him and Remus moaned as he allowed the animagus tongue enter in his mouth._

This time there was no promises to be sealed with kisses, no lover to stop him from going. This time Remus had no one to go back too and he would welcome death with pleasure.

The only things that kept him in the present were Harry and the missing presence of Sirius. They were the only things that he loved.

Yes, he loved Harry. How could he not, when he had been the one who taught him how to walk and read him bedtime stories? When Harry reminded him so much of Lily and James? How couldn't he love Harry, whose second word had been Moony?

'_Remus!' Lily smiled as she opened the door 'You came!'_

'_I heard Harry said his first word.' Remus took his jacket off 'I heard it from a very proud godfather that it had been Paddy.'_

'_What? SIRIUS COME HERE THIS SECOND"' Lily yelled 'The only word Harry said was mommy, but of course Sirius had to spread that.'_

'_Honey, you're going to yell at Sirius? Nice.' James walked in with Harry on his arms 'Hey, Moony.'_

'_James. So daddy wasn't his first word?'_

'_You'll see, it will be his second!'_

'_Second to Padfoot or Sirius, you mean.' Sirius entered in the living room. 'Moony!' he ran to him and hugged him._

'_You forgot your keys at home.' Remus kissed him 'You sod, lying to me like that, I never believed Paddy was Harry's first word.'_

'_Aaah, but it was so close!' Sirius closed his fist to express himself 'I could almost touch it, the victory. But don't you worry, Moonykins, it shall be his second word.'_

'_Ah, I won the bet.' Lily smirked._

'_I'll have the second word! I'm his father!'_

'_And I'm his godfather, which is like a father in a more divine way. You know, like God.' Sirius stuck his tongue out._

'_I'm getting the second word!'_

'_No, I am!'_

'_No, me!'_

'_Me!'_

'_Hum, guys...' Remus smiled._

'_Moony!'_

_Everyone stared at Harry._

'_What...what was that again?'_

'_Moony!' Harry pointed at Remus and giggled 'Moony.'_

'_He said my name!' Remus beamed, ran to James and took Harry out of his arms 'Can you say it again, Harry? Can you say Moony?'_

'_Moony.'_

'_It's me!' Remus twirled with Harry, laughing, while James and Sirius stared at him with their mouth opened._

'_Harry, Harry!' Sirius took him out of Remus and lifted him to eye level 'Can you say Padfoot? Pads. Paddy.'_

'_..Gaamabahsemu.' Harry sucked his thumb. 'Ah shnay dum!'_

'_No, Harry, not snhay dum! Paddy. PADDY.'_

'_Pizza! Dumblehsag.'_

'_Oh no!' James complained 'Not even the third word is daddy! I'll be after pizza!'_

He didn't love Harry only for that, of course. Harry would always be like a nephew to him. He was so proud of him.

Harry could have seen Sirius almost like a father, but Remus would always be just his teacher. Yes, his favorite teacher, but nothing more. He could bet that Harry would name his kids after James and Sirius, but never him. He would even name Dumbledore before him. He just hoped Harry would choose his name rather than Snape's, if it had to be.

He was counting on be dead before Harry get his owns kids, so he would never be able to see if he was right.

Remus concentrated only on working for the Order. On protecting Harry.

Then Dumbledore died. Remus thought that nothing could hit him anymore, but he had been wrong. Dumbledore's death hurt. Dumbledore had been the man who gave him a chance to be normal, who allowed him to go to Hogwarts and without him he would have never met Sirius, James and Lily. Even after all the pain he wet through because of them he could never regret having them. And after that, Dumbledore had given him a job and a home. And now he was dead.

However, Remus continued to move. He was an empty shell. He just went with the flow.

But you know what happen to empty shells? When they reach the shore, someone tries to pick them up.

Tonks had confessed her love for Remus.

Remus saw her as a feminine, younger, clumsy and pinkish version of Sirius. But he didn't want her. She might remind him of her cousin, but she wasn't him. She couldn't replace him. Remus couldn't love her. He was an empty shell.

Tonks continued to try to catch that shell, which she thought it was so pretty and how much she would like to take home with her, but the shell would always flip through her finger with the sea flow.

But Tonks didn't give up and tried what she shouldn't have done.

'_Remus? Please, give us a chance...'_

'_No, Tonks, I can't. You deserve someone better. I'm too old for you, I babysitted you with S-Sirius when you were small, for Merlin's sake! And I'm a werewolf, a monster, you don't want to be with me, trust me.'_

'_I don't mind! Remus, I love you! Please, Remus, Moony-'_

'_Don't call me that!' he snapped at her 'Sorry, I didn't mean to sound so harsh.' Remus sighed 'You won't be happy with me, Tonks.'_

'_But I love you!' Tonks grabbed his hands._

'_Tonks...' he took his hands out of reach 'I don't love you.'_

'_Can't you try?'_

'_No. Never. Sorry. I...I love Sirius. And I could never love someone else. My heart is his.'_

'_Even...even after he died...?'_

'_Always. I'm sorry, I hope you can fall for someone else.' Remus turned around and left the room._

_Later, that night, Remus woke up with someone knocking on his door. He got up and opened the door._

'_Who- S-Sirius?' he asked 'No, no, you're dead, you died. You left me.'_

_But Remus couldn't stop looking at his dead lover's handsome face, his stormy grey eyes and his dark hair._

'_Am I dreaming again? Hallucinating?'_

_Sirius touched his face and it felt too real._

'_Padfoot...' Remus whispered and tears ran down his face. 'Padfoot...'_

_Sirius pulled his face and kissed him._

'_No...' Remus pulled away 'Tonks? Stop this, this isn't funny... I can smell you, you know.'_

'_I'm not Tonks tonight.' she whispered with Sirius lips 'I'm Sirius.'_

_And she made his cocky smile._

'_St-stop. I can't do this. Don't play with me, Tonks.'_

'_Just try, alright? I need you and you need Sirius. No one loses.' She grabbed his hand and put it in her hair. 'It feels just like his, doesn't it? So smooch, dark like a raven.' She whispered and closed the door behind her 'Try, just this once. If you don't like it, I'll give up on you.'_

_Remus closed his eyes and shook his head. He had to resist._

_Out of his will, his fingers played with her hair. Sirius's hair._

_Tonks kissed him again._

_It tasted wrong. Not Sirius. The way she kissed was also different. Sirius usually did a Thing that made Remus knees go weak, but Tonks kissed shyly and didn't fight for dominance like Sirius did._

_The smell was wrong too. Sirius used to smell like a fresh air, outside and trees, no matter if he had stayed in Grimmauld Place for a year. Tonks smelled like perfume, flowers and chewing gum._

_Remus had given into temptation. He remained his eyes open and watched Sirius face, used his hands to touch him once more and blocked everything that told him that wasn't his lover._

'_Sirius... God, Sirius, I love you... Always you. Only you... ...Padfoot...'_

Tonks couldn't have gone lower to get him. Remus thought that even a love potion was better than that, at least then he would feel something good for her, even if fake.

He couldn't stop after the first time, and used her like a drug. He agreed to do everything she wanted just to see Sirius's face again.

Tonks had finally grabbed the shell and it was able to put it in her house as part of the decoration.

Everyone was happy to see she had found what she wanted and congratulated her when seeing the ring in her finger.

Remus wasn't just an empty shell anymore. Tonks had broken the shell while grabbing it.

He didn't despise her. He accepted marrying her because, he thought, at least someone would be happy. At least one person would smile, and love. And, in the end, he did care for her.

Slowly, even empty as he was, he grew used to his new life. To wake up in the morning and the first thing his landed on being a handful of pink hair almost in his mouth. To perform more _Reparos_ than he ever did before in his entire life. To, at the end of the day, hear Tonks excited – or tired, sometimes – tales of what happened at the Ministry.

He thought he could keep this. He thought, with time, a lot of time, he might heal.

Tonks, if she had patience, and time, maybe could mend his broken shell.

And then, of course, something had to happen.

Tonks got pregnant. And Remus panicked.

Merlin, he could count with the fingers of one hand the number of times he slept with her. And he had been carefull. So, why?

He couldn't do it. He couldn't give a baby to a woman he didn't even love, especially a cursed one.

That was when he decided that it had to stop. He couldn't play husband and wife, anymore, he just couldn't. This wasn't about making Tonks happy, now it was about having to get even more scorn on her. For giving birth to a monster.

In his eyes, there was only one way out of this – him going out.

Then, when the baby was born, maybe people would have forgotten that he had been with Tonks, that he was the father. Then his wife and child wouldn't have to be judge for what he was.

And, in the end, he was doing even more of a favour to Tonks – their charade of a happily married couple would get on her sooner or later. IT was for the best if she found someone capable of loving her back.

He left her and went to Harry. He wanted to help him. Merlin knew how much the boy needed it.

But Harry had yelled at him. Called him a coward.

'_Can't do it, Lupin?' Snape sneered 'You're just a coward!'_

_Remus turned around to look at the Slytherin boy._

'_Don't you dare to call him that!' Sirius yelled and pointed his wand at him 'You have no idea- you don't know what it's like for him!'_

'_Sirius.' James said and looked at him to remind him that he couldn't let clues of Remus secret out._

_Sirius understood and cursed Snape._

'_Don't you ever call him that again, Snivellus!'_

_Sirius grabbed Remus by his arm and dragged him to the Gryffindor Tower and then to their dorm, leaving James and Peter behind._

'_Sirius, we have Charms in five mi-' he stopped as Sirius hugged him tightly. 'S-Sirius?'_

_Sirius let him go and sat him and himself in the closest bed. Remus hoped he hadn't seen him blush._

'_Don't listen to him, okay?'_

'_Oh, Padfoot.' Remus smiled, still trying the new nickname. 'I know I'm not brave, there's no need to-'_

'_But you are!' Sirius grabbed him by his shoulders 'Remus, Moony, you're the bravest person I ever knew! I always thought like that, especially now that I also have seen you transform... I cried you know? I actually cried watching you transform. And-'_

'_Sirius. I had asked you not to see that. I told you it was horrible and disgusting and to wait on another room while I transformed.'_

'_I know, Remus, and I was waiting there with James and Peter, but then we heard you yell and I had to go, you know? And...it seems so painful.' He hugged him again. Remus could feel his own heart beat faster and hoped Sirius didn't notice 'You go through so much pain every month, knowing that you will suffer that all your life, and you never give up. You never tried to end it, or kill yourself...I'm sure I would have done it. I read that that's second greatest cause of death among werewolves. And yet, you're the most positive Marauder, the kinder and I always wonder how you can have such goodness in yourself when there are so many bad things happening to you. I admire you so much for that.'_

'_Oh...Sirius...' Remus sniffed._

'_Remus? Are you crying?' He pulled Remus away enough to see his face. 'Did I say something wrong?'_

'_No...I...Thank you, Sirius...'_

'_You sod,' Sirius said gently and cleaned his friends face 'There's no need to cry because of that.'_

_Remus buried his head in his crush's chest and let himself be hugged by him, content with feeling Sirius hand up and down his back and his lips in his hair. He hugged Sirius back as tightly as he could._

'_You just don't ever let anyone call you a coward, alright?'_

'_Alright.'_

'_Promise?' Sirius asked 'Pinkie promise?'_

'_How about sealing it with a kiss?' Remus joked._

'_Done.' Sirius said in a low and calm tone, grabbing his friends chin and kissing him for the first time._

That had been so long ago, their first of many promises sealed with a kiss, before the Prank incident and much before he was left alone with the pain of his friends' death and lover's betrayal.

That memory, promise and what Sirius had said had been the reason why Remus hadn't tried end his life after Sirius died. Why would he destroy a part of him that Sirius admired, loved?

Remus tried to fight against the power and with a group of other people who also wanted to fight and started the Potterwatch radio show.

When the Final Battle came he returned to Hogwarts as soon as possible.

For the first time in his life, Remus felt grateful towards a Death Eater. He made a mental note to thanks Dolohov when he also died.

The last thing Remus did was smiling like he hadn't done since the last time Sirius told him he loved him.

He couldn't wait to be able to hear it again.

000

**That song mentioned in the beginning,**_**beyond the veil**_**, if you haven't heard it yet, go****now****. It's amazing, you can hear the grief and emotion Remus feels on it. ****It's so sad.**


End file.
